"Future: That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured." -Ambrose Bierce

"Advertising may be described as the science of arresting human intelligence long enough to get money from it." -Stephen Leacock

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of four is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you."

"In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress." -John Adams

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history." -Dan Quayle

"There are million women out there who want to have sex with you... or maybe just one if you get her drunk." -Woody Allen

"Most people have seen worse things in private than they pretend to be shocked at in public." -Edgar Watson Howe

"Talent hits a target no one else can hit; Genius hits a target no one else can see." -Arthur Schopenhauer

"My lovelife is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty." -Woody Allen

"Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored." -Aldous Huxley

"When everyone is somebody, then no one's anybody." -WS Gilbert

"I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me." -Winston Churchill

"He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife." -Douglas Adams

"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose... it's how drunk you get." -Homer Simpson

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." -Oscar Wilde

"Sex is like bridge; if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand." -Mae West

"When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself." -Peter O'Toole

"If you are first you are first. If you are second you are nothing." -Bill Shankly

"If you're going through hell, keep going." -Winston Churchill

"I am desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets." -Dave Edison

"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all." -Oscar Wilde

"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher." -Socrates

"An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex." -Aldous Huxley

"Hell is full of musical amateurs." -George Bernard Shaw

"God created the poet, then took a handful of the rubbish left and made three critics." -T.J. Thomas

"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter." -Mark Twain

"Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third." -Ambroce Bierce

"Old age is the most unexpected of all the things that happen to a man." -Leon Trotsky

"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great." -Mark Twain

"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened." -Douglas Adams

"America is a mistake, a giant mistake." -Sigmund Freud

"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained." -Mark Twain